How Could I?
by Sango-Kadie
Summary: Jack always gets what he wants. But not everything is so easy to attain. [one-shot]


This story is dedicated to the screw-ups at Cowlip for ruining Queer As Folk.

Lyrics by Three Doors Down

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_Well I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind  
I left my body lying somewhere in the sense of time  
But I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon  
I feel there's nothing I can do _

I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon  
After all I knew it had to be something to do with you  
I really don't mind what happens now and then  
As long as you'll be my friend at the end

* * *

Once in a while, chances pop up. Some you don't even see coming, and some you do. If you find one that you see ahead of time, you're one of the lucky ones. You can actually have some time to carefully plan what you're going to say, make sure that you don't make a complete fool of yourself, and then you don't get hurt. But there are those other times; the ones where you just say the things that come to your mind suddenly.

And you say them, and even though there was something inside that makes you want to repeat it over and over again until it get stamped into your brain so you never ever forget it, you suddenly wish you'd never have thought of them. And that's when you get hurt. And not like a broken bone, that can be mended, or a scrape that you can cleanse with warm water until the stinging finally stops.

It's something that tears you up from deep inside, and you close your eyes so tightly that you hope they'll never open again. It can destroy you, and rip you apart. Because no matter how much Neosporin and Band-Aids you apply, that broken heart will split back open as soon as you see them again. The only way you can stop it is to move on, far away from them and hope that time will heal your wound; no matter how long it seems to take.

You need to keep on moving, even though your head feels like it's about to explode and even though there's an ache in your chest so prevalent that you almost rip through your skin in order to stop the pain. You have to look ahead and hope for the best. Hope that he finds someone as in love with him as you are—but not more. Never more.

Jack knew that this was coming. He just wasn't sure when, and he didn't want it to end like this. He never wanted things to get this bad, and it was all because of him. There was nothing in him anymore—no joy, or happiness, or even sadness. He was empty; he was numb. And there was only one thing he could do to stop it.

"Thanks for the money, Kare. It really means a lot to me. I'll call you, ok?"

"Sure Poodle. But where are you running off to? You going to go down to get some work done?" she said, an intoxicated smile on her face and a drink in her hand, as always. Jack smirked at the familiar sight. He was going to miss it.

"Please. Work? Me? I don't need it Karen. I'm perfect."

Popping an unknown pill into her mouth and taking a swig of her drink, Karen replied, "Well sure honey, but you don't know how good it feels, looking into the mirror and realizing how much better you look than everyone else after a little collagen. You never know until you try it. Where are you going anyway?"

Jack looked wistfully across the hallway, trying to make sure his frown didn't make him look as pathetic as he felt. "As far away from here as I can. But I am going to miss you Kare-bear. I'll call you everyday, and you need to fill me in on all of the latest gossip, ok?"

"Well, of course honey. Whenever Grace stuffs her bra to land another date or Will goes out and lands no one, you'll hear about it."

He felt Will's name slam into him like a ton of bricks. Jack flinched from the impact of it; he didn't see it coming at all. It was amazing how just the slightest mention of him could hurt so badly.

"Nah, nothing about those two. I already have enough boredom in my life. Tell me about important things, not those two and their married heterosexual antics."

Karen frowned, but shrugged it off. Jack wasn't surprised. She wasn't very perceptive to these things. (Either that, or she was too drunk to care.) "I'll miss ya though. Come back and visit me once in a while. I can't boss around Rosario alone and French kiss _myself _in the Barney's dressing room, now can I?"

Smiling and shaking his head, Jack replied, "nope."

"Well, I can, but it just isn't as much fun as you, Jackie."

"Aww. Thank you, Kare." He lifted his arms to hug her, and she did the same. Then they dropped their arms and smirked, just like they always had done. He grabbed his bags and headed to the elevator, his head still spinning from the onslaught of emotions he had felt from hearing Will's name. It was amazing that he still felt them, but he wasn't surprised. He always would feel them, no matter how far away from each other they were.

In the cab outside, Jack looked outside the window at the passing New York scenery. It all seemed to have happened so quickly. Just seeing Will's smile, all lit up like that, filled Jack with a sense of confidence, and he swelled as he asked.

"_Will, do you love me?"_

_Will looked surprised for a minute, but recovered quickly. "Of course I do, Jack. You're one of my best friends, and you've dome so much for me through the years, how could I not?"_

_A smile still glimmered on Jack's face, and he was sure that this was the absolute right moment. The moment he had been waiting so patiently for, for so many years. It was finally it. "Yeah, but do you _love me_ love me? I mean, as much as I love you? As much as I have loved you, for so long now? I hope you do, and I want you too so much, and I've been waiting, and for so long—"_

_His words ran head on to each other, and he rushed and they all slipped out, right after one another. Soon, he didn't know what he was saying, but all of his words conveyed the same message—I love you._

_Will's face changed from surprise, to confusion, to all out sadness. Jack saw it; he fucking saw it coming. But he couldn't stop. All the words fell out of his mouth, and they wouldn't stop. "And I know that you told me long ago that it'll never happen and what happened on the boat was a fluke and there is nothing that would make you like me except for my stunning good looks and--"_

"_Jack," Will said, cutting off his words like a sword through flesh. He saw it before Will said it, and tears welled up in his eyes way before he spoke again. The look on Will's face said it all, and he didn't need to say it, but he did. "I'm sorry."_

_Jack felt something inside him break and a bit of moisture cooled on his cheek. But he couldn't notice it. The crying was just a subset of the pain. It meant nothing. He wasn't even aware he was crying until the tears fell in turrets, rolling down his face so quickly he couldn't do anything to stop them. Will looked at him sadly, almost like he felt sorry for him. Sorry for making him cry. He didn't know that wasn't the only thing he was doing._

_Gasping for breath, Jack played with the zipper on his coat. He grasped onto the metal, his fingertips brushing over his chest slightly. He could feel the pain in it radiating out. He felt his heart slowly splintering, it's rough edges piercing through his skin. Jack couldn't stay here anymore. He couldn't keep doing this over and over. It was time for it all to end._

"_I'm sorry too," he said finally, and a small smile appeared on Will's face. Though his intentions were good, Jack couldn't help but think that the smile was there to mock him. It laughed and danced around in his face, always there; always reminding him of what he could never have._

"_You'll be ok. You always are. Don't worry about me," Will replied, his voice light again. Jack didn't respond; he feared he might burst into more tears. So instead, he smiled, trying to get the light back in his eyes and fake the cheerfulness one last time. He hopped out of there, grinning the widest he could. _

_Once in his own apartment, he didn't flop down on the couch. He didn't sit in a corner of the room and cry his eyes out as he did when he was a teenager. He didn't take out old photos of them and cry to them softly before the sadness turned into rage and he ripped them up. He went into the kitchen and got the phone. As he dialed the number slowly, he turned to the wall._

_It was a picture Grace had taken a while ago. Last Christmas to be exact. Will was standing behind him, his arms wrapped comfortingly around his waist and his chin resting on his shoulder. They were both smiling, and they were both happy. Will was so blind to the happiness radiating off of his friend, and Jack almost whimpered at the sight of them looking so contented. Why had he waited so long to tell him, when it was so clear how he felt? _

_And why did he ever tell him? It was tearing him up inside, but at least they were both happy. They had a friendship, and it was all ruined now. There was no way Jack could look Will in the face and not feel like he was a failure or like a stupid, love-struck teenager._

_The person on the other end of the phone picked up. Jack tried to disguise all the sorrow he was feeling, even though he knew she could see right through it._

"_Karen? Can you come over here? I need someone to help me pack…"_

The raindrops fell on the window, beating down of the roof of the cab. It took jack a minute to finally realize it wasn't raining. He wiped his eyes and sat back on the seat, looking forward and trying not to think about it. He needed to be strong. He needed to go on.

"But how could I?" he muttered under his breath, desperately not wanting to be overheard by the driver. The last thing he needed was for him to think he was crazy and be taken to a psych ward. But he couldn't help but wonder aloud, "why did I think it would work this time?"

_I didn't, _something inside of him said. _It just slipped out. I didn't plan for anything to happen. I didn't want to tell him. Maybe this is why._

"Why did I do it?" he asked himself again, staring out the window at the night sky. The sun was just setting, creating a pinkish glow cast over the city. "How could I?"

Love makes you do crazy things. Things you would normally hate yourself for doing. And it makes you cocky. You're so sure that because you're in love, everything will work out for the best. But love is painful. It doesn't do anything but hurt. And then, afterwards, you can't do anything.

You just fall away, and disappear…

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End file.
